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Ghosting

HoneyPotHoneyPot Posts: 123 Mod Squad
What are everyone's thoughts on "ghosting"?
Thanks google for this definition - "the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication."
Is it ever ok to ghost someone? After one date? After a one-night stand?

I was seeing someone once for about a month, texting everyday and all that and he'd talk a lot about our future. Then one day it just stopped. I was pretty upset and annoyed and thought it was really immature thing to do. (Found out a week or two after the ghosting that he actually had a girlfriend AWKS WHAT AN ARSEHOLE)

THAT BEING SAID.
I've also ghosted people after one date, or one night stands, is that ok? What do you think the general vibe is amongst you and your friends?
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Comments

  • mak_trouble891mak_trouble891 Posts: 563 Mod Squad

    Great topic @HoneyPot, you are so right, that guy sounds like an absolute arsehole, that is so horrible. I don't really know would be considered right or not, but I'd say if your were seeing/talking to someone for a period of time even a week ghosting them is pretty rough, and the longer you are seeing them for the more they deserve an explanation (as hard as that is).

    I'm sure its probably the 'right' thing to not ghost anyone but I think its ok to ghost after one date or a one night stand, I'm pretty sure I have done it.

  • MintMilanoMintMilano Posts: 181 Mod Squad
    I think its probably okay after a one-night stand. If you haven't been texting or messaging that much then there's not really THAT much of an expectation. If I haven't heard from a one night stand or gotten a reply after a day or two, I just chalk it up to a one time thing and move on.

    I was ghosted by a guy last year. We'd been on three really nice dates in as many weeks, and then suddenly he started taking a lot longer to reply to messages. Like, an entire day, starting with "whoops only just saw this." I thought something was up right away, but my friends told me I was being crazy/paranoid. So I kept messaging him, trying to lock in plans we'd tentatively set. His replies got fewer and fewer until I just never heard from him again. It was upsetting, like even an "I'm not interested anymore" text would have been upsetting but at least giving some closure. I had to sit around for a week wondering whether he actually had been too busy with work, or whether he was just a jerk. 

    People can usually handle the truth. And even if they can't, they probably still deserve it. So I always make an effort for a gentle let down, at the very least. Ghosting is just awful. 
  • HoneyPotHoneyPot Posts: 123 Mod Squad
    I TOTALLY agree with both of you! I really think that after one date or a one night stand it's ok and you don't owe anyone anything. But you're totally right that people can usually handle the truth and thats so much easier to deal with than wonderingggg and waitinggg for so long cause thats painful.
    How can we stop people from doing this? Gosh. If we all just tell everyone we know that it's not ok? Maybe Tinder (and other apps) should have a template "I'm not into this" texts you can send people instead of ghosting? Like, honestly people need that much basic help. It happens to my friends ALL the time and it's so horrible.
  • PurplePurple Posts: 90 Mod Squad
    Hi @HoneyPot, great discussion. I've ghosted plenty of times after a one night stand, and to be honest am often very surprised if people contact me after. I would also probably ghost on dating apps like Tinder if life gets in the way or I lose interest (this is if we haven't met yet). If it's one date and they text me after I usually say something like "Hey, just thought I'd let you know I can't really see things continuing between us, but I thank you kindly for taking me out and wish you the very best." If I'm not exclusive with someone I wouldn't meet up with them to end things, but at what point do you guys think it's best to end things with someone via text vs phone call vs meeting up? I remember a couple of years ago I dated someone for about two months and while we weren't exclusive, I called them instead of texting them to end things. I think once you're exclusive with someone you should definitely meet up with them to break up though. 
  • MintMilanoMintMilano Posts: 181 Mod Squad
    @Purple I reckon after one night stands is fine. A courtesy text after a single date is plenty too, I wouldn't arrange a second meeting just to tell them you don't want to see them again, that almost seems like twisting the knife after sticking it in. 
    I guess it all kind of depends on how much you dated within the two months, re acceptability of a phone call break up. Some people might be in open relationships - how do define exclusivity for them? But if it was just a casual few dates and there hadn't been any really serious or super deep connection, I guess a phone call is okay. When I was younger I was seeing a guy, we met right before I went on an overseas trip so we didn't start out exclusive. When I got back we picked up where we left off, and even though we were pretty young and didn't really bother with those "what are we?" discussions, it was almost 4 months of hanging out, meeting each others friends, valentines Day, etc. And then one day out of the blue he just messaged me saying "he wasn't ready", never answered any of my calls, and I never heard from him again. I was pretty invested so it was upsetting, but I guess it depends on circumstances if a break up via technology is considered acceptable. 
  • MintMilanoMintMilano Posts: 181 Mod Squad
    There's also a variation of ghosting called submarining that I read about here and honestly it's happened to me and I can't actually decide which one is worse.
  • Aunt_FloAunt_Flo Posts: 491 Mod Squad
    I pretty much agree! I think if you've only been talking for a really short period/it's a one night stand then it's not so bad. I think the longer you've know each other or talked, the less it becomes okay. E.G. this insane story of someone ghosting a girl after LIVING together. 
  • peachypeachy Posts: 183 Mod Squad
    Being ghosted after a few dates/months is horrible, sorry you both went through that @MintMilano @HoneyPot !

    I've only experienced it after one or two dates. It's pretty anxiety-inducing for me personally being ghosted, so I try to avoid doing it to others as much as possible. So if I get a text after a first date and I'm not interested in seeing them again I'll just say that I didn't feel a spark and wish them all the best. It's hard to both type and receive that kind of message, but it's so much kinder in the long run. 

    I'd be interested to know whether anyone avoids ghosting even if you haven't met? Like, if you've been having a conversation on a dating app and you don't see it going anywhere, would you say goodbye or say you're deleting the app then unmatch with or block them? I had this interesting conversation with a guy a few days ago who said it's really devastating when girls match with him, they talk for a few lines and then they stop replying. It's pretty easy to forget that it's a real person on the other end of that conversation when you haven't met them yet, so it's not something I had given a lot of thought to before! 
  • MintMilanoMintMilano Posts: 181 Mod Squad
    @peachy That's a pretty interesting idea. Is it even possible to ghost without having seem them face to face? I've been guilty of letting a conversation die on an app, but a lot of the time it feels like it just fizzles out and there's not much spark, so the letting it go feels kinda mutual. If you have a lot of matches or are just testing the waters and chatting to a bunch of people to find someone suitable, it might be emotionally exhausting to have the whole "hey do I don't think I'm into this anymore" with someone who you've only exchanged a few messages with. I feel like thats one aspect that the apps do a good job with - you're not really obliged to keep engaging in that kind of tedious small talk if its not going anywhere. 
  • PurplePurple Posts: 90 Mod Squad
    Definitely agree with just sending a quick text to let someone know you're not interested if you've been on one date. @peachy interesting you say that, I would never dream of saying I'm not interested in talking to someone anymore on an app if I've never met them, best to just let it fizzle out. I've never felt upset over someone not responding on a dating app and to be honest if a guy is devastated about someone having not responded he's probably not ready for the ups and downs that come from an actual relationship (and may have to work on his self esteem a bit!) Just my opinion! 
  • HoneyPotHoneyPot Posts: 123 Mod Squad
    I am learning so much this is amazing. Submarining? WOW. Full on. I'm not sure which is worse either.
    And you know what @Purple I think you're so right that there are so many ups and downs in relationships and maybe some people aren't prepared! 
    Do you get the vibe this is how your friends feel about ghosting as well? Like after a one night stand, its fine but more than that it's not really ok?
    And yeah I agree about the phone call thing! After a certain period of time, a text is not enough. And after a longer period, a phone call is not enough! And those time periods probably depend on the relationship hmm so many factors
  • peachypeachy Posts: 183 Mod Squad
    @MintMilano @Purple So I decided to delete tinder yesterday and thought I'd experiment with a departing text and see what the reaction was like. Had some really interesting responses ranging from 'we didn't even talk that much don't worry about it' to 'I really appreciate the text'. I did say it was because I had met someone, so it could've been a totally different response if I had said it was because I was getting sick of tinder or we don't really have a spark. 

    So I guess you just don't know how people are going to respond to ghosting without meeting! 
  • champagnepapichampagnepapi Posts: 66 Mod Squad
    @peachy did you meet someone! that is so exciting, congratulations! 
  • peachypeachy Posts: 183 Mod Squad
    @champagnepapi have only been on two dates but it's enough to know that I don't feel like seeing anyone else haha! Thank you!!  <3 <3
  • PurplePurple Posts: 90 Mod Squad
    that is exciting @peachy. I've met someone on Tinder too, wishing both of us luck!
  • champagnepapichampagnepapi Posts: 66 Mod Squad
    @peachy @Purple
    all the best to both of you! keep us updated on your dating adventures
  • champagnepapichampagnepapi Posts: 66 Mod Squad
    in a similar vein to this thread, do you guys think there is a time window in which you should meet someone off an app before texting fizzles out? I was talking to this guy for like three weeks and for some reason or another we were just too busy to meet up, and after a while keeping a text conversation going kinda started to feel like a chore. So i reckon there is a cut-off, it's the sweet spot between 1-2 weeks, but your mileage may vary.
    Thoughts?
  • champagnepapichampagnepapi Posts: 66 Mod Squad
    PS, we never did end up meeting. Womp womp
  • MintMilanoMintMilano Posts: 181 Mod Squad
    @champagnepapi I would say 1-2 weeks, but if its going to be closer to two weeks then at least arrange a time earlier in advance. don't wait 2 weeks or spend two weeks going "oh no I'm not free tomorrow" until its been two weeks of failed plans. I find that if people want to meet, they will meet. if they have excuses and can't lock down a time even for a cup of coffee in the next fortnight, they're probably just wasting your time. 
  • champagnepapichampagnepapi Posts: 66 Mod Squad
    @MintMilano yeah definitely! I think it was me dragging my feet in this instance, since i recently got out of a relationship. I don't think i'm going to be meeting up with anyone anytime soon haha. Thanks for your thoughts!
  • peachypeachy Posts: 183 Mod Squad
    @champagnepapi I tend to get super impatient and will usually ask within a week (so your two week situation would probably kill me!) but I know a lot of people like having that time to vet out whether someone has murdery vibes ahaha
  • MintMilanoMintMilano Posts: 181 Mod Squad
    @champagnepapi ah okay, yeah I've been in the same boat before. Being on Grindr after a break up being like "Just looking around" and then chatting without people who seem to get frustrated when I'm not keen to eventually meet up. It can be a bit annoying for them but in the end it's all part of the dating game so you kinda have to take it on the chin. If it were that easy no one would be doing it because we'd all find our perfect matches and be done with it! 
  • HoneyPotHoneyPot Posts: 123 Mod Squad
    How exciting @peachy and @Purple ! Hope you're both having great times!

    I spoke to some people about this and we decided that if two people decide not to message each other that's totally fine, don't wait for someone to message you, message them (I think some people think this is ghosting, but I'd only call it ghosting if I messaged someone and they never replied, not if neither of us ever messaged and I didn't try, do you agree?) 
    And if someone does message you really should reply even if it's to say "I don't think this is for me" or whatever. Thoughts?

    Totally interesting how long people wait to meet up! I think I'd find it really frustrating waiting ages to meet up with someone, I'd start to think they weren't real hahah 
  • PurplePurple Posts: 90 Mod Squad
    I was just ghosted after seeing a person for about seven weeks or thereabouts - lost track how long it's actually been. It really, really hurts :( but we weren't exclusive or anything so I guess life goes on. I texted them and called them out on it by saying the mature and responsible thing would have been to simply let me know they weren't interested, not to just simply disappear, and that I hope they find what they're looking for. At least now I have closure and can start moving on even if they don't reply to that message too. 
  • MintMilanoMintMilano Posts: 181 Mod Squad
    @Purple that sucks :( I'm sorry that happened to you. Last time I was ghosted I didn't even send a message like that - I knew that he would have known the mature thing to do, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of messaging him again without a reply and letting him think I cared as much as I did. Probably not the most mature train of thought from me either I suppose lol but yeah I didn't get any closure from that. Just had to accept that he probably wasn't going to call/convince myself that even if he eventually did call, he'd left it far to late to have me believe he actually cared. And if thats the case, then honestly, you deserve better!
  • PurplePurple Posts: 90 Mod Squad
    @MintMilano I totally sympathise with you and understand the feeling of also wanting to show that you don't want to care. I almost left it but then was like you know what I'll just say what I think. He finally replied about an hour ago and apologised for ignoring me for the last five days and that he thinks I'm cool but just not in the right head space to date. Whether or not that's true or he's just not interested anymore I'll never know, but at least he had the decency to get back to me. You definitely deserved better, and from the posts you've made it sounds like you're in an awesome relationship at the moment. Thanks for sharing.
  • MintMilanoMintMilano Posts: 181 Mod Squad
    @Purple thats good that he finally replied! Even if it was just to confirm what you already expected. I guess maybe it's important to call people out on on their anti social behaviours or they're just going to keep doing it. and thanks, yeah I'm in a really good relationship now so not as concerned about ever needing closure with that ghoster anymore. 
  • stephaniaaaahstephaniaaaah Posts: 117 Community Manager
    @Purple being ghosted stinks! You did the right thing about calling them out on their behaviour and I am glad he messaged back. 

    @champagnepapi @HoneyPot my rule of thumb is that if we don't meet in a week of matching then it is probably never going to happen! Also if we end up texting for a couple of weeks without seeing each other then I think it's probably not going to go anywhere.. 

    I think If you meet someone and really dig them, you see each other as much as you can, and if one of you is no longer feeling it you have the decency to end it respectfully.. 
  • HappyHooHahHappyHooHah Posts: 56 Regular
    I'm so confused by the term.... Strange word to choose.. ghosting. Makes no sense to me!
    Also, what is cat-fishing? Is that what its called?
  • MintMilanoMintMilano Posts: 181 Mod Squad
    @HappyHooHah Ghosting is because they seemingly vanish into thin air, like a ghost. Catfishing is a little different - it's essentially pretending to be a completely different person and have an online profile/persona that is completely different that who you actually are - that name comes from a quote from the documentary/movie called Catfish - I would actually highly recommend it, great film!
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